Husbands, Love Your Wives
Part I of II
Ephesians 5:25-33, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”
Colossians 3:19, “Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.”
1 Peter 3:7, “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.
Introduction
Our church is currently working through a sermon series titled A Healthy Marriage. It isn’t meant to be a comprehensive look at everything the Bible says about marriage, but I am trying to cover the basics that we need to move toward health. That began with a look at the importance of roles within a healthy marriage, then turned (following the New Testament pattern) to the role of the wife. This past week we looked at the role of the husband in marriage. My plan, over the course of the next couple of weeks, is to share in this newsletter the main points of that sermon (though obviously re-written for the format).
Before we dive in, though, I want us to remember that this is all of grace. The gift of marriage is from the Lord. Specifically, for the man, the gift of a wife is a kindness from God.
“He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22).
And the grander point of the marriage arrangement is to put on display the glorious love of Christ for the church (Ephesians 5:32). We need to remember that we can’t craft a healthy life or marriage by dint of willpower, or by painting by the numbers. We must daily be engaged in repenting of our sins, trusting in Christ’s sufficient sacrifice in our place, and dependent upon his grace. But by his grace, when we are leaning into his grace, he does give the ability to grow and obey.
Which means that the Christian marriage can and should grow towards health. So, men, if you are going to have a healthy marriage, how must you understand your role? What duties are implied by such an understanding?
Before we focus on the specific instructions the Lord gave through Peter and Paul, we should take a step back and observe the creational reality of Genesis 1-2 again for a moment. Because whereas the woman was created for the man; the man was created for a mission. That mission was to serve as the priest-king of creation, exercising dominion and spreading the knowledge of the glory of the Lord across the face of the earth (Habakkuk 2:14). However, the Lord saw that man by himself was not good (Genesis 2:18). God did not immediately remedy that situation however. He let the man go about his work for a while, and recognize for himself that there wasn’t a helper fit for him anywhere in creation. Then, God put him to sleep, and when Adam woke up, he found the greatest gift he could imagine: someone like him - this, at last (!), is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; but also quite unlike him - gloriously distinct from him: she shall be called woman, for she was taken out of man.
Thus we see, as Paul puts it in 1 Corinthians 11:8, man was not made for woman, but woman for man.
In the biblical texts speaking to the wife’s role in marriage, we find that the wife’s call in marriage is to submit to her husband’s leadership and direction. But here, men, is an uncomfortable truth beneath her duty: it assumes you are going somewhere. That you have a direction.
The role of the man, as we see both in the order of creation and the explicit teaching of Ephesians 5, is to lead. To reach back again to 1 Corinthians 11, verse three of that chapter states, “But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.” Ephesians 5:23, “The husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.” The head is the source, the one giving direction, and the one ultimately accountable for the life of the whole body. Men, is this reality good news or bad news for your wife?
You are the Head
Men tend to have one of two reactions to the biblical fact of their headship in the home. One is weaseling. Here you’ll find men turning into more passionate feminists than any woman you ever met - “well, we’re equal!” But what he’s concerned about really isn’t her dignity or “rights as a woman.” He’s worried that if he’s the head then he’s responsible. And ever since Adam, men have been shirking responsibility. But men, you can't get out of this responsibility. God will hold you responsible for your family, for your marriage, come judgment day. You might want to say, she’s her own person, and her decisions, choices, and sins aren’t my fault! You’re right, her choices are hers, and if they’re wrong, that’s her fault. They’re also your responsibility. You are the head of home. If you deny this, it doesn’t remove responsibility, it means that you won’t ever learn to live it wisely. But you can’t hide from the role.
The second response is to say, “hey, that sounds great - I get to be the boss!” And then you start acting like J. Jonah Jameson, shouting out orders and demands. But this doesn’t work, either. It ignores the characteristic traits of headship biblically understood (Mark 10:43-45). When a man thinks that headship means he is to be the unquestioned ruler, and no one should dare to contradict him, then he’s not a leader acting biblically. He’s a fool.
Now, he may protest, “look, you just pointed to these verses which say I’m the head!” Yes, quite so. You have that positional authority by virtue of God’s created order, and the explicit teaching of the word of God. That is clear. But if you are going to exercise that authority in your relationship with your wife, then you are going to have to build toward what we might call functional authority. And that isn’t going to just drop out of the sky or jump off of the page. You’re going to have to, in some meaningful sense, earn that authority relationally.
I’m going to borrow an analogy at this point from pastor and author Douglas Wilson, who likens the positional authority of headship to having a checkbook. Coming to understand the fact of headship is like finding out that it’s your name in the top left-hand corner. But exercising functional authority is like writing checks from that account.
The mistake many men make is to find out they have this account and start writing checks that bounce. His wife wants nothing to do with his leadership. She won’t agree on how to handle this situation with the kids. She doesn’t want to pray or read the Bible together as a family. She isn’t interested in curbing habits or attitudes that might be hurting the family. The temptation as a husband can be to write a “leadership check”, and demand conformity - “look, here’s the verse that says I’m in charge, listen to me!” But this fails to acknowledge that you, husband, have been dropping the ball, and that your failure has helped create this situation. You’re right to say, “this checkbook has my name on it, I have authority to write this check.” The problem is, you haven’t been making deposits, and so no matter how forcefully you insist that it’s your account, that functionally will not matter. You have to start putting money in the relational bank if you ever hope to spend anything. You’ve got to look at what the Bible says about how to live as the leader of your home.
You see, the primary biblical duty of a Biblical Head of the Home isn’t to find some bossy pants. It’s to love his wife.
Duty Number One
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). “Husbands should love their wives as their own bodies” (Ephesians 5:28). “Husbands, love your wives” (Colossians 3:19). In slightly different wording, Peter has the same message, “husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Peter 3:7).
If we’re going to keep rolling with the checkbook and checking account analogy, you make deposits in your relational account by loving your wife in the way the Bible describes. I want to suggest, from the texts above cited, three main ways for husbands to love their wives. We’ll look in detail at the first today, and then take up the next two next week. Men, you must love by leading, by sacrificing, and by knowing.
Love by Leading
I want to point to one fact that should be obvious from the analogy Paul draws between the husband and wife relationship and the Christ and church relationship: Christ, as the head of the church, leads the church. One way husbands can begin to love their wives is to lead.
This does not, primarily, mean bossing, making executive and undiscussed decisions, things like that. It certainly doesn’t mean serving yourself, and demanding others to do likewise. Here’s what it does mean: to take initiative. Men, do you take initiative in your home? Do you have a vision for where your family could be in 5, 10, 30 years? Do you have any idea how to get there? You need to start thinking that way.
That means decisions about kids’ education, how money is handled, where you go to church and what activities your family is involved in - these and other areas of life are priorities that you need to be invested in. Lots of men are wrapped up in their own work or hobbies and don’t stop to think about how to shape their family life. Life just happens to them. As men, this is pretty easy to deal with, because (except maybe our paycheck) often no one is counting on us to make family-related things happen. But the person paying for your lackadaisical attitude is your wife; drowning in laundry, kids, activities, and maybe a job of her own. One practical way you can love her is to sit down together and look at life and say: what really matters here? How can we conform our priorities to what really matters to us, to what God says in his word, to where our interests and values lie? Take initiative, lead that conversation.
And then: help follow through on the actions that need to be taken. Too many of the few men who will sit down and have that priorities talk will then throw their wife to the wolves when it comes to implementation: “yes, home education is a priority for us. Agreed. Here’s what we can spend on curriculum this year. I’ll check back in on things in June.” Don’t be that guy.
Spiritual Leadership
Another subset of leadership, and often neglected (even in Christian homes), is that of spiritual leadership. In too many families the questions of God, religion, spirituality, prayer, the Bible are all in the “mom” department. Praise the Lord for spiritually attuned and interested women! But men, here in Ephesians 5, Paul holds forth the example of Christ, who washes his bride in water with the word, that he might present her blameless to himself, without spot or blemish or any such thing. This doesn’t need to be complicated. It can be as simple as reading a verse to your wife at breakfast and sharing what you learned from it - and having a conversation. Praying together before bed is also a very helpful practice. Andie and I have made it a practice our whole marriage to pray together every night before bed. We aren’t legalistic about this - if I fall asleep on the couch, Andie isn’t waking me up to pray lest God be disappointed. But it is a priority. Even if we’re upset with one another or one of us is traveling, we make it a point to close the day by turning to the Lord together. Men, if you want your marriage to be centered on the Lord, then you need to lead your wife before the throne of grace, on a regular basis.
This may require some degree of growth on your part to feel even mildly competent. Well, and good! The Lord commands you to love him with all your mind (Mark 12:30). If it takes recognizing your ineptitude to lead your wife which drives you to obey this command, then thank Him for giving you such a helpmeet.
Conclusion
We’ll pick up next week with two more ways to love your wife - through sacrificing for her and knowing her. Until then, men, I’d encourage you to ask yourself: do I see myself as the head of my home? God does see you that way. This is both a challenging reality - for we will be held to account - as well as an ennobling reality. God really has given you an important role to play in the life of your wife and your whole family. He calls you to step into that role with boldness. Not a boldness born of self-confidence, but a boldness born of faith in the perfect Bridegroom, who laid his life down for his bride, and calls you to follow in his footsteps.